The messy middle of life is a place I tried to avoid for most of my life. I can now say it’s a place I reside daily knowing that this is where real life is lived. It’s the place where pain along with joy resides, loneliness and fear mingle with peace and connection. The messy middle is where feelings are felt and not avoided. It’s a place that demands vulnerability but offers wholehearted living in return.
I used to live continually with rigid black and white thinking. I could compartmentalize every feeling, thought, person, and happening into tidy boxes of good-bad, right-wrong, yes-no. It brought a sense of control over my feelings, little to wrestle with. I understand now, many years in my recovery journey, that I used black and white thinking to rationalize how the ones who were meant to care most for me, often hurt me physically, mentally and emotionally. As a child I couldn’t fathom that my parents were uncaring, so the obvious answer was that I was bad or unlovable. The result?… Shame and a desire to not ever disappoint anyone, not even God.
The thing with black and white thinking is that it begins to order one’s life to be lived in a certain way. Perfectionism and striving were things important to me so that I could deal with the harsh judgment I had of myself. I was so afraid people would see a flaw in me and thus render me not worthy of their love. I thought that most people viewed life the way I did. I even thought God saw me in this way. It shut me off from truly having deep relationships with people. There was safety in keeping relationships shallow. I felt overwhelmed by my feelings growing up in a family and church where vulnerability and sharing one’s heart weren’t honored or even tolerated. I felt no one would understand me. I cried myself to sleep many nights as a child and I didn’t even know why. I learned to keep all my questions inside. The ulcer I was diagnosed with at the age of 12 should have caused people to take notice.
What does the Bible have to say about living in the middle where feelings aren’t compartmentalized, but the messy dichotomy and uncertainty and struggle are realized? I find much in the Bible that speaks to this, but I’ve chosen one passage to briefly look at.
Mark 9:14-27 is a passage that used to leave me befuddled. I always glossed over the father’s words to Jesus in the past because I simply couldn’t understand how he could say what he did. How could he have belief and unbelief at the same time? Was he confused? Was he lying? Was he crazy? Now I look at this passage differently. Now I read this passage and I am amazed at the vulnerability this father has as he pleads for Jesus to heal his demon-possessed son.
Jesus’ disciples had been unsuccessful in helping the demon-possessed boy. In v. 19, Jesus even rebuked his disciples saying, “You faithless people!” (NLT). Jesus then enters a conversation with the boy’s father showing compassion for the man and his situation. The father begs Jesus to have mercy on him and his son and heal the boy if he can. I am fascinated by the fact that Jesus doesn’t rebuke the father for his questioning faith as he did with his disciples. Perhaps the faith of the disciples was grounded more in wanting to please the Pharisees and crowd that had gathered to watch this boy healed (see vs 28-29).
Jesus simply says, “Anything is possible if a person believes.” (v. 23). What this father says next is such an authentic statement. “I do believe but help me overcome my unbelief!” (v.24). He does believe in the power of God and notes he is prone to doubt too. Wow! I am struck by how much this shows his willingness to speak from the messy middle. He doesn’t try to package himself up for Jesus, but simply speaks honestly and with sincerity the truth of the feelings…all of them…even the ones that seem to be quite opposite…belief and unbelief.
I have learned that even though there is safety in living in the black and white, it can be life-less. I found that categorizing every feeling and thought as good/bad, right/wrong, yes/no brought simplicity to my anxiety-prone mind but was unfulfilling. It led me to judge myself and others with no compassion.
Through my recovery journey I’m continually learning to challenge the harshness of my black and white thinking. Can I accept that I can hold fear and courage in the same place? Can I become more comfortable realizing I can hold deep pain and joy together? Can I be certain and yet questioning at the same time? This is the messy middle I am talking about. It allows more than one, often seemingly opposed feeling or thought to be present together. I’m learning to continually say the word and when I describe a feeling I’m having because I find there is usually another just as important feeling that needs to be acknowledged within me at the same time.
I was raised in a home and church that seldom allowed me to wrestle with the things I didn’t understand. There was always a very cut and dried answer to any question I did garner enough courage to ask. Rigid rules, high expectations, and no questioning were the well-established boundaries I lived within. Even in the recent past as I spoke with a pastor about questions and doubts I was wrestling with, I was simply given a quick answer of, “That’s why we live by faith and not by sight.” It was the correct answer but shut down any dialogue together that would have engaged my wrestling with feelings and thoughts. I eventually concluded his succinct answer was, of course, accurate, but it took me time and the help of another to sort out my feelings. Is God honored in my questioning, my wrestling? Am I less of a faithful Christian for being in the messy middle?
I’m becoming less fearful of the uncertainty of this messy middle; this place of questioning, seeking, and wrestling. There can be a richness in life here. It’s not simple by any means and not tidy in the least, but it does have a sense of fullness and acceptance of all parts of me. I’m learning that God wants me here in this place where often things don’t make sense, where I’m uncertain yet honest. When I’m in this place I can come to Him with all parts of me, not just the ones that I think are tidy and will please Him. He wants me to wrestle with things and have Him there with me when I do. Yes, God is in the messy middle, and this is where I can approach Him as welcomed. This is the place where my faith is tested and refined. This is where my faith becomes less and less of a blind faith.
**Let me say here as a side note. When I speak of holding multiple feelings in the same place within me, or considering questions I have in my mind, I am NOT speaking about the things that God has spoken to as absolutes. There are certainly absolutes within nature, science and the Word of God. I am not speaking of those things.**
How does allowing myself to live in this middle area of my feelings offer myself to others? When I can connect with someone with listening ears and an openness to not immediately judge what they are saying and assign their words, thoughts and feelings into black and white categories of good or bad, then I am truly with them in that conversation. They feel heard and are more open to consider and contemplate all the feelings within themselves. I’m not formulating an answer while they are still speaking, and we can both feel more connected to each other.
I’d like to challenge all of us black and white thinkers to venture into the middle more. Leave the tidiness and the safety of compartmentalized thinking and feeling and consider that you’re able to hold multiple things within you and wrestle with them. Not only will we be able to live life more authentically without hiding, we will be able to be truly present and less judgmental as we connect with others. God desires us be real with Him. Jesus had much to say to the Pharisees regarding this (being hypocritical and whitewashed tombs). He let Nicodemus wrestle with this (the difference between being physically and spiritually born again). Much of what Jesus taught spoke of this. Is God in our messy middle? I would say He is most found there. As I grow in knowing Him more and more, I am convinced He wants me there.