I told no one of my plans. I did not cry out for help to anyone. There was no Facebook post giving some ambiguous or thinly veiled cry for attention. It was not a rash decision. It simply seemed like a very logical choice — to end my life that was a shamble, a disappointment, and had no real meaningful connection to anyone or anything else. Despair and shame told me there was nothing to keep trying for. The lies from Evil were loud and demeaning.
Looking at me on the outside, I seemed to be a shy, quiet, hard-working graduate student who got along well with everyone. People saw me as a very successful person who loved Jesus. No one saw me as the young lady who used an eating disorder, alcoholism and self-harm to battle the demons of shame, deep depression and anxiety that had been with me since childhood.
I thought I was thinking clearly that day. I thought that it made perfect sense to end my life, and that is the sad and crazy thing about suicide. The Evil One will always make his lies from the pit of hell seem logical, true, right. I could not see beyond my perceived failings. I woke up in the emergency room, spent time in the ICU, and then more time in a mental hospital. Life after that was not all lovely. It was not easy. There would be more days and years of deep pain, more battles with the eating disorder and the alcohol, treatment centers, and lots of mental health needs. It took a long time for me to come to where I am now….to know that I know that I know that I know I am loved deeply and held tenderly in the arms of my Father.
How does someone who loves Jesus end up in a mental state like this, attempting suicide? I loved Jesus, but completely was unable to take in how much Jesus loved me! I grew up thinking I was a disappointment to my parents, my church, and especially God. I saw Him as a harsh authoritarian who was tired of all my “mistakes”. I imagined that day that I attempted suicide that God was disgusted with me. I remember telling God, “I’m sorry, but it will be the last mistake I ever make.” What if I could have seen Jesus perhaps weeping and sorrowful that His child had come to this place? What if I could have heard Him say, “Kelli, I died for all of these things in your life, so you don’t have to?”
September is National Suicide Prevention Month. Suicide happens for many reasons. Not one demographic in our world today is immune from suicide taking a life…. not even Christians. Just this year there have been more than one well-known pastor commit suicide. If you can’t understand this then I encourage you to spend some time with individuals with PTSD, trauma, depression and anxiety. The Christian community sometimes can be the hardest place to receive understanding and help with mental illness. I know this from experience.
Loving Jesus does not mean my life will be free from struggles. The father of lies, knows my position is secure in Christ. I can not lose my salvation or my eternity with Him. Satan, with his lies will often try to get me to doubt Gods’ love, His tenderness, His care. Satan tries to minimalize my Christian life to a tally board and then point out to me there are a whole lot of more bad tallies than good.
The two chapters in God’s Word that I spend the most time in are Ephesians 1 and Romans 8. The pages are well worn as I return here again and again to be reminded that I am chosen…righteous… beloved! I encourage you to read and spend time in these chapters to let God’s words overtake your heart and mind.
Today, I am a very long way from that day when I attempted suicide, listening to the lies from the darkness about my worth. There have been many tears shed on my journey between that day and today. My life now has a great depth of meaning and purpose. I live with a sense of amazement and gratefulness to God for everything that my life has been and is now. I know I am loved and that I am part of a plan greater and more vast than I can ever know. I now understand that God was heartbroken that day as He saw me, His child, in deep pain. He did not stop loving me. No, He saved my life that day because He has a greater purpose for me.
Today, I live my life in recovery from an eating disorder and alcoholism. I live managing my depression, shame and anxiety. My mental health is something I must daily care for, much as a diabetic daily does things to manage her diabetes. I now see in His Word with fresh eyes the wonderful richness of His deep love for me as His child. He does not tally up my good and bad days to see if I have worked hard enough to earn His approval. He does not withhold His love on the days I struggle.
I now try to live authentically, honestly, with no more lies or secrets. Shame is the ground that grows secrets, and secrets beget addictions, eating disorders, and even suicide attempts. I have authentic friends in my life who are not shocked when I reach out for help on hard days. God never intended us to live in dark isolation afraid to be honest about what is happening in our lives. God’s intention is for me to give Him the glory for the life I now live, to honor Him by depending upon Him for everything I need in my life. Could God completely take away my depression and anxiety? Yes, without a doubt, and to a very large degree He has. However, I believe that He is most glorified when I daily bring my weaknesses to Him, when I rest in His deep never-ending love to help me live despite my depression and anxiety. God is most glorified now that I love Jesus and even better yet…. know how very much He loves me!
Posted on Eating Recovery Center
This brought to mind, Philippians 4:19-20. “And my God will supply all your needs according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Now to our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen.”
Kelli, I appreciate your heart and that you have and do struggle. But you also share the good news that God is always there and that he’s a loving, caring Father who will see you through whatever you face in life. Living that daily is always a challenge because of Satan’s influence on humanity, but we can live in hope and KNOW that we do not walk alone. God says, even when you are old and grey (or bald), when its needed He will carry you. Thank you for reminding us of his never ending love!
Your Brother in Christ,
David
Thank you for sharing! God is good.