I tensed as the shadow of my mom fell across my work of pulling weeds under the fence in front of our farmhouse. She had come to inspect the work of my brother and me. To this day I can still hear her words, “Did I show you how to do this job the right way? What does that say about you if you knew how to do this the right way, and you didn’t? What do you think God thinks about that…you knowing how to do something the right way, and not doing it?” There it was…a heavy blanket of shame that descended upon my soul. I felt the weight of knowing I was a disappointment to my mom, and even more so, a disappointment to God.
Shame is that deep-seated belief that there is something so flawed within me that I must hide who I am from everyone around me. It is that feeling that I am not enough as I am. Shame gets played out in different ways in different people. In my life, with my personality traits, shame fueled my perfectionism, my need to pile up achievements and successes, and the belief that no one must ever see the real me or else they would be disgusted. Shame led to fear of authentic living, much anxiety and fear of “being found out”, and ultimately isolation and depression.
“WHAT DOES GOD SAY ABOUT SHAME?”
I love Scripture, especially the book of Romans. Chapter eight is a wonderful chapter that I go back to again and again to remind myself of my standing before God. It is rich in the theology of redemption, eternal security, and the immense love my Father has for me (I will be dissecting and sharing what Romans eight means to me in another blog)! As His child, because of the redemptive work of Jesus Christ on the cross, I am under no condemnation, not even self-condemnation. My standing is secure before God. Nothing, absolutely nothing, can separate me from God’s love…not even my fear or shame! It has taken many years for this truth of God’s word to sink in, grab hold of my heart, and wash away the shame I lived in.
“WHAT IS THE ROLE OF THE CHURCH IN THIS?”
Too many times I have spoken with women around the country who relate stories of families and churches shaming their honest sharing of hurts, struggles, and trauma. In the guise of righteous living, the pursuit of becoming a follower of Jesus Christ has taken on a pressure-filled striving. Authenticity has become something that is feared and even shunned. It is easier to remain pious, than to sit down next a hurting person and listen with one’s heart to what is really going on. It is easier to give the simple answer of “Give it to God, you’re just not trusting Him enough. A committed Christian would never struggle the way you are. You need to get right with God.” It becomes safer to bottle up everything than to express one’s true feelings and struggles. The risk of judgment becomes too great.
The truth is the church is filled with hurting people. Often, people do not see the church as a safe place to live authentic lives. Fear of judgment, misunderstandings, and even condemnation keep the people you sit next to in church from being real, being honest, and stuck in shame. God is in the business of redemption, of restoration, of healing, and He wants to use us in the church to offer hope and encouragement to hurting people hungering to be heard and to be known. There is something very freeing to the heart in being fully known, and yet fully loved. This is God’s redemptive message throughout all of Scripture. This is God’s heart as He sees each one of us. He knows every weakness, every hurt, every sin, and yet continually gives Himself for us and to us!
Shame thrives in silence, in lies, in isolation. Shame’s power is broken in honest heart and soul sharing. How can the church reach out to hurting people? It starts with individuals deciding to live openly and authentically. It starts with one-on-one relationships being grounded in God’s love of honesty, not pious living, hiding our flaws, struggles, and deep hurts. The church needs to stop pretending that seeking to live righteously means attempting to live in perfection, that the presence of messy lives somehow deserves gossip, shame and condemnation.
I don’t have all of the answers, but I do believe healing starts as we take the time to honestly communicate and share ourselves. Adding more programs in our churches will not bring restoration to broken lives, relationships will. Relationships that are real with each other, and authentically point each other to Jesus Christ. This will mean risk-taking to know and be known. This will take turning away from the easy stance of piety, and choosing to not pick up the mask of “I’m fine.” I know there are many hurting people sitting in the pews and chairs of our churches. I also know that God’s heart breaks for those struggling. My passion and my prayer is that the church can be a place of authenticity, hope, and healing as real people share their lives. May we pour our lives into each other as we seek to follow hard after Jesus Christ and the abundant, whole living He offers to us.